Since I’ve been out of commission in the land of dating and
I’m all “wifed up", I have nothing new to blog about, so I’ve decided that I’d
bust out an oldie, but goodie.
It never fails that when I go out, it is a necessity for me
to visit the Taco Bell drive thru on my way home, be it by cab or car, I better
get my Taco Bell or someone is going to get hurt. Yeah, I'm a fat ass. I legitimately think
that there is nothing better to eat when you’re drunk than a cheesy gordita
crunch.
When visiting the drive thru, I usually come across my “boyfriend”.
He is some young kid that I choose to sexually harass in my drunkness every
time I visit. I think if he saw me sober he would be in shock. The poor kid is
scared of me, I am not sure why. Most 19 year olds would love if a hot girl
told him she wanted to marry him and have his babies, right?
Yeah, probably not.
This poem is in my blog posting of poems, but since we’re on
the subject of my Taco Bell drive thru boyfriend, I thought I’d share…
My favorite part of the evening
Is on my way home
When through the Taco Bell drive thru
In my car I shall roam
Professing my undying love
To my future husband, so sweet
Ready and willing
To molest his man meat
I was out with a few friends and a coworker, when Jerome, my best friend rescued me and my drunkness. I am pretty sure he had to carry me due to my being a dumb ass and wearing heels. Being the amazing friend that he is, and the understanding of my love for Taco Bell, we picked some up on the way to my apartment, where he intended on dropping me off.
Jerome helped my prized Taco Bell and me into my apartment building. Once we were in the hallway, I realized… Ummm… I
don’t have my key. I let Lauren drive my car to wherever she ventured off
to and my house key is on my car keys, duh. Dumb ass of the year award goes to me! Marnizzle aka Narnia aka Saggy
Drunk wasn’t home… she was off prosistuting it up with some dude.
Now, at this time, I
had just gotten one of my adorable kittens. Yes, there is a reason I am bringing up my
kitten.
At some point in my drunken stupor, I decided that someone
was home. I heard moving around inside. Totally forgetting that I
have an effing kitten making noise.
After deciding someone was there, I told Jerome that my coworker Stacey had
moved in with us. That I KNEW she was there. That someone was in my apartment
and we had to get in.
I have no clue what I was thinking. I was probably
distracted by the fact I had to pee like a mother-fucker. Here I am locked out
of my apartment, at least 20 minutes away from Jerome’s apartment. I have no
keys to my door, no windows are unlocked. I'm piss out of luck. (Like that word play?) Drunk me made the amazing decision to
pull my pants down and piss in the hallway of my building.
At least it wasn’t my bed this time.
So, after releasing some urine from my urethra, I plop my
ass down on the stairs and eat some of my food. Apparently, I also cried at some
point and beat Jerome with my Taco Bell bag because it was definitely HIS fault
that I didn’t have MY key and that no one was at my hizzy, other than the kitten. Fucking pussy.
This is Jerome and me, just to get a picture… I love him. (We made "grillz" out of our Chipotle burrito foil)
Eventually we gave up and left to go to Jerome’s hizzy. I later learned that Lauren was on her way to drop off the key to me. When
I woke up the next morning in his bed, I was in a puddle of urine. Apparently,
I hadn’t released all of my urine from my urethra in the hallway. FAIL.
Luckily, Jerome hearts my face and is totally okay with my pissing problems. That is a true friend, fo' sho.
I got lucky in that the hallway didn't smell like urine and no one saw me. I'm sure my neighbors would have loved that vision of beauty. Who doesn't love a golden shower every once in a while?
It was a pretty funny night out. Any night that ends with Taco Bell and pissing is one for the books.
I believe that the moral of the story is… I am lacking some morals. I am totally okay with this though. It keeps my life interesting.
