Internet Dating, ha.

Why is it so hard to find a moderately attractive guy, who isn’t a perv, who can actually commit to a relationship? I am by no means a prude, however, I am not handing my vagina over to every fucktard that looks my way. There may have been a time in my life where I gave it away a little too freely, however, that time has passed.

Internet dating is by far one of the most entertaining/frustrating things I have participated in. It is a joke. I frequently refer to Plenty of Fish as “Plenty of Booty”. If I wanted to go on a site, pick out a dude that I wanted to fuck for one night and never talk to again, my life would be set. I could have a new guy every night. I might have a few sexually transmitted diseases, but at least my vagina wouldn’t be lonely, right?

I have a pretty vulgar sense of humor, so most guys take that as me being easy. Look fellas, just because I might joke about things, doesn’t mean I would let YOU do those things to me nor would I do them to you. It is just me, being me. Just like you and your buddies talk about tits and pussy, my friends and I talk about tits and penis. Yes, most of us tend to favor boobs as well. Also, mustache rides are a big thing. Free mustache rides to be exact, No one wants to pay for that shiznit.

Back to my internet dating rant, I am all for a little humor. I happen to think my profile is pretty flipping hilarious. But that doesn’t mean you can message me and ask me if you can eat my vagina.. really?!?!  Hit up Craigslist if you want to eat some puss. I am sure that there are plenty of bitches on CL that want some tongue to clit action.

Also, don’t ever just message me and say, “Hey.” Get a little creative yo. I give plenty of opportunities on my profile for you to comment on something you liked or something you thought was funny. I won’t message you back if you bore me (no matter how hot you are) or if you seem to just be on the prowl for some cunt. If I wanted sex, I would hit up one of my old booty calls, although I like to keep them retired. Using lots of vibrator batteries these days.

Sometimes Plenty of Booty makes me wonder if I perceive myself differently than I really am. I think I am pretty. Yeah, I have some curves, but my face and my personality make me AmAzInG! It is hard not to like my eyeballs. With it being said that I might be a little vain, the guys that message me sometimes make me question if I am crazy and I am really some wretched looking loser. Either these people have some hardcore balls or I am insane. I am NOT a picky person as far as looks go. Hands down personality is the deciding factor for me, but lets be real, they cannot look like a fucking mac truck hit them. If I see a guy who is totally out of my league, but am unable to stop myself from messaging them, I totally make the message hard to ignore. Ask for hands in marriage, tell them I love their face... ect.

I guess I should try some other form of meeting guys. But in this day and age how the fuck else do I do that? I just think that I need my life to turn into a Nicholas Sparks book already or a Disney Princess movie. Where is my Prince Eric, dammit?!!?? Apparently I am not going to find him on Plenty of Booty. One could only hope. Fuck this whole dating in 2012 thing. It is for the birds. 

Where am I??

I've always wanted to start a blog.. and never knew quite how to put my words together to do it. Today I said fuck it.. I am just doing the damn thing. 


Do you ever have those moments when you wake up and are like, "WHERE THE FUCK AM I? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?" I used to have those quite frequently. They make for some of the most memorable times in my life. 


So being newly single and delving into the world of internet dating is always an adventure. In the beginning of my single life, I was all about fun, not looking for anything serious. I was down for anything.. and by anything I mean drinking a lot and not remembering shit. So I met this guy Chris off of Plenty of Fish. He was wicked hot. Army guy, just here for school. We like the same music, both like to drink.. so first date is drinks of course. I decided we should go to my favorite locals bar. The Boxx. Always a fun time and you can't beat $5 pitchers. So Chris picks me up, he is super hot.. and off we go to the bar. This is where my night gets pretty fuzzy. I remember drinking lots of beer, some random guy becoming our new best friend and buying us LOTS of shots. The bar was empty... and it goes black.... 


This is where that "WHERE THE FUCK AM I? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?" moment kicks in. I wake up in a hotel room. Look at the clock, it is 8:15 a.m... did I mention that this was a weeknight. I am supposed to be at work in 15 minutes. FUCK!! My phone is dead... can't call work.. I freakkkk! So I look around.. we are in a double room. Chris is in one bed, I am in the other.. wet. Yes, I pissed myself. Which is the start of a regular thing. My bladder and beds are like 2 peas in a pod. I wake him up and start searching for my clothes, because of course, I'm naked. I find everything BUT my pants. After searching for a few more minutes, I venture onto the balcony. (The hotel is on the beach) I find my pants, at last! Unfortunately.. couldn't get away that easily... THEY ARE IN A PUDDLE OF SOME LIQUID WHICH IS UNBEKNOWNST TO ME. I have to put my soaking wet pants on and we start our adventure to the car. Yeah.. there comes problem number 750,000... the fucking car got towed! You can't park overnight in the public parking lot. Sober me knew that, drunk me.. yeah, she didn't give a flying fuck. I ended up taking a cab home.. rushing to work, without showering. It was a glorious day in the office. I am pretty sure I was still drunk. I looked like a back alley hooker who had a long, busy night. 


All in all it was one of my top nights out. Chris is lucky he slept in the other bed.. or his night would not have been quite so much fun. Not every guy can handle the whole being pissed on thing. He didn't even get sex out of the evening.. I think someone fell asleep while they were having sex.. yeah, that someone was me. FAIL!