I always feel like someone is watching me...

So sometime in the past month or so, I’ve attained a stalker. I gave dude the benefit of the doubt for a while and assumed that he was just being nice. However, at some point this weekend, he decided that he was turning up the crazy level. His mission was accomplished.  

I haven’t been as active on Facebook lately as I usually am. I’ve been distracted, in a good way. So, when I get messages, sometimes I’m too busy to respond. Helloooo... I’m a single mom, dating, taking care of a kid. I’m not THAT accessible.

So, while hanging out on Friday, I get this first message, which I was polite enough to respond to. In return I got another message… and another message… and another message… and they KEPT coming.

I wasn’t replying to this craziness, I was trying to have fun with my bottom bitch yo. GAHH!!

Anyhow, the rest of the messages went like this...

I didn’t really read them after the first few and didn’t get the grasp of the craziness in its entirety! However, after I did take the time, I was more than a little put off. I mean, I deal with crazies on the regular. However, to get messages like this from some dude who knows me via Facebook ONLY, is slightly creepy. Well, more than slightly creepy. It’s super creepy.

Yet again, when he messaged me a few days letter, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as a final act of kindness. I responded to his messages when I could, but yet again, busy lady. It was okay, until last night. I get a text from my future husband stating that my creepy stalker is liking the pictures he posted on my Facebook page.

So, I pull out my handy-dandy phone and am shocked when I have 62 fucking notifications!!

Really??!??

Granted not all of them were from him, however most of them were… this is what I saw when I opened my phone…

Shortly thereafter Creepy McCreeperson posted a status about purposely liking everything on someone’s page.

Hmmmm…. Wonder who could that have been?

Someone has been watching a little too much fear lately!

I mean, I’m a girl, I like attention from guys. However, that’s a whole different ball game bro. That’s creeper status fo’ sho’.

At least Mr. Creepster wasn’t THAT creepy. This fucker brought it to a different level. I’m contemplating if I should check my fucking brake lines before I drive off. He did say he worked on cars, and made jewelry.

I legitimately think that I deserve some flowers after this ordeal.

So, if you’re out there reading this Creepy McCreeperson, I like Star Gazer Lillies and no, I don’t want some jewelry. I’m not a big jewelry girl, unless, it is my Susan Gangsta Komen bracelet. That shit’s legit.

I guess on the bright side of things, at least I’ll never be alone.

Shout out to Amy for this e-card creation... You’re awesome!

Blue Mountain State

I'm drinking a beer and the mountains are blue

It is quite delicious, much unlike you

I only do this just because it gets to you so

your poems sound like blah fat blah blah ho

Be more original because you so far you fail

Oh no, are you going to call me a whale?

Much unlike you my confidence is fine

Which is why when you're mean you won't hear me whine

Instead I will laugh at your immaturity

I'm sure your "fans" surely will see

You're fucking 31 with a page about being a mom

However, so far I'm the star, the queen of your prom

H2-Ho

This water is cold and wet

It helps keep me hydrated when I sweat

It is better than tap and that is for sure

Because it comes from some springs and it is pure

The best start of waking up, is Folgers in your cup!

This cup of coffee, is delightful to me.

It is warm and creamy as you can see. 

I shared a moment with this coffee and my cat, Chuck

And then I realized I was blogging about coffee, what the fuck?

Creepy McCreeperson strikes again!

Ohhhh Mr. Creeper. We meet again… or we’ve really “met” a few times, however today I was feeling awfully persnickety and had the random urge to reply. This is a follow up to this posting.

Honestly, I wouldn’t message someone who hadn’t messaged me back the FIRST time, however we all can’t be as amazing or rawrazing as myself.

  

I was thoroughly amused he mentioned, “stalker status”…. bahahahahaha. If he only knew there was a blog posting entirely devoted to him called Creeper Status. Which would be why I had to respond with “Creeper Status” just to amuse my own sick and twisted mind.

Dude is mad illiterate. (Says the girl who just wrote, “mad illiterate”, at least I spelled it right)

I felt kind of bad telling him his eyes weren’t very appealing, but they just aren’t. He looks like a mouse. I’m not into mice. I might be a pussy, or have one, but this cat is mice free. Mice free is the way to be! I’m not saying that I am all that AMAZINGGG, but I’d do me. I’d do me and come back for seconds, possibly thirds if my oral skills were on point. He was correct in saying my eyes are amazing. I’m rather fond of them, at least something makes up for my rather large ass.

In ending this conversation, I felt that I should inspire him to try something new. So I brought up my google browser and found a quote for him.

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”

In other words, don’t fucking send the same message to every fucking girl you message. Dumb ass.

Be spontaneous. Say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Today, I sent out unique messages to very handsome gentlemen, such as:

“Your face, I like that shit.”

And

“Dude, you have a nice beard.”

We all know that I’m a sucker for facial hair. Be it beard rides or mustache rides. At this point, I ‘d take a nose hair ride, booger included.

To conclude this preposterous blog posting, I’m going to end it with a quote from a man I respect. I find this quote highly amusing considering that it is completely hypocritical of my entire blog. Reminds me of church… hmmm… and people LOVE church.

“Being a bully on the internet is a sign of insecurity & weakness”

-Rev Run

Show Me Your Genitals

I had a rude awakening recently, well maybe not a "rude" awakening, but more or less a proud realization. That realization being:

I'm not a slut.

I no longer seek attention from guys to make myself feel better or attempt to boost my confidence. I'm okay with me. It is an amazing feeling. 

While messaging this guy, I gave him my number. He was cute, seemed nice.. that lasted all of 5 text messages before the perv in him came out.... 

Why would a guy really think it is okay to send some girl you've been messaging back and forth for all of an hour a picture of your penis?

"Hey I just messaged you and this is crazy, but here's a penis pic, do you like it maybe?"

Well, my answer is no. Penises aren't attractive. I don't cream in my undies upon seeing them. I'd much rather look at tits than a penis. They get the job done, doesn't mean I would order a cock calendar anytime soon!! 

I often wonder what a guy would think if I had immediately upon receiving that picture, sent him my address and fucked his brains out. Yeah, that would make me a slut. At this time in my life, I'm not looking for sex with stranger. I mean sex is awesome. I love that shit. However, I'm not giving it away to any decent looking guy that shows me his penis. I'd prefer someone I'm comfortable with, kind of makes it more enjoyable.

I believe even in my sluttier of days, I would never have messaged a guy for all of an hour and immediately drop my panties and let him put it in??!!?? Sorry kid. 

I don't understand why people can't just take me up on my Craigslist advice.. or even Adult Friend Finder.. they cater to people wanting casual sex. 

I'm not saying by any means that I am perfect. Alcohol, is unfortunately a hell of a drug. When given alcohol excessively, we all make mistakes. So I'm not saying a random one night stand is horrible, shit happens. But to prowl dating websites looking for sex is shady. 

It annoys the hell out of me that I am finally at the point in my life where I want a legitimate relationship, sex included and I have to jump through hoops to find someone on my wave length. With that being said, I've met some really, really nice guys that I didn't feel that "spark" with. I think there is something wrong with my brain, I'm attracted to the guys who just want to fuck and not attracted to the guys that want relationships. 

Oh well.. in the mean time it is cuddling my Pterodactyl pillow pet and Bob, my battery operated boyfriend. 

Say No!

Things I have learned this past weekend:

1.     I sometimes suck at life, when I’m drinking;

2.     Someone should most definitely hide my phone from me when I’m drinking;

3.     Don’t eat only soup all day and then drink, you get drunk far too fast;

4.     You can break the screen on your cordless house phone when you throw it out of drunken anger;

5.     Listen to Stacey;

6.     Woodchuck’s Amber beer is really good; and

7.     Bitches be trippin’ and by bitches, I mean me.

Epitome of drunk, I'm making a fucking duck face, really??

I really think you should not attempt to have any kind of serious conversation when under the influence of alcoholic beverages. Definitely SAY NO TO TEXTING. Just do it. Friends don’t let friends text when they are drunk. MARNI!!

It is never acceptable to just eat soup and drink. You will be drunk by your fifth beer and making obscene phone calls. Which could possibly lead to you throwing your house phone and cracking the screen.

Despite my never wanting to trust her judgment, Stacey-Bob is usually right. Bitch.

Woodchuck has a delightful variety of alcoholic beverages. I am now a big fan of the Amber beer. Tastes like heaven.

To conclude my weekend lessons learned, I don’t like not getting what I want when I am drinking. Therefore, bitches be trippin’. I mean, I’m not an “I am going to punch you in the face” kind of drunk. I am just bluntly honest which can come off kind of harsh.

So friends, take this to heart.

Be alive! See what you want! DO NOT lose your fascination! What you're fascinated with becomes fastened to you!

~ Rev Run.