Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

 Unfortunately, I am not a genius. It really sucks. However, with that being said I’m also not a dumb ass. I’m sure some people would beg to differ. Fuck their opinions though.

Being a page admin and in a few groups on Facebook, I come across some flat out retards. I came across one such idiot last night, which inspired me to write this blog posting. 

Now that we’ve established a few things…

Why do people get so offended when you correct their grammar? Also, if you don’t know how to spell something or use a word properly, why don’t you use a different word or Google it? Google IS your friend.

Last night after commenting on a friend’s status, some idiot replied and immediately my Hitler ‘stache grew and I was in full on grammar Nazi regime. Too bad that Marnizzle beat it to me. This is what was posted…

Now, I’m not perfect. I know that I sometimes misuse punctuation or spell something wrong due to simply just not paying attention. However, this bitch was blatantly fucking dumb. Now, what I have to say about this could be considered hypocritical. However, you have to consider the factors:

1. The truth, meaning she was corrected because she DID post something that was grammatically incorrect; and 
2. That me calling her ignorant is in fact true. She is/was ignorant in the way that she spelled and presented herself.

I find it rather sad that someone can’t spell LYING. Don’t they still teach people about verb forms and verb tenses?

Anyhow, the main objective of this posting is that instead of correcting herself, this less than intelligent broad lashed out and started name-calling. How old are we? Like seriously. My six-year old daughter would do something like this, and would probably still sound more intelligent than this girl.

“Oh No! You bitch, you corrected my grammar, well at least I’m not fat and ugly.”

Really?

Bitch, first off, I am far from ugly. I may be bigger than you, however I’d rather be curvy, beautiful, and smart than a dumbass, skinny, mediocre looking redneck. Yes, I am allowed to call you a redneck because I, too, am from the south. However, I moved past being a stereotypical southerner and can properly word things that I say and type without sounding like a redneck trying to speak in ebonics. When you can’t come up with anything better than insulting someone who was attempting to educate you, that speaks volumes for your maturity level and your intelligence level. 

My suggestion, if you can’t learn from your mistakes, is that you put on some camo, go to work at Applebee’s and stop trying to be “Billy Bad Ass” to people who are far more educated than yourself. Hopefully you’ll meet a nice fella who likes his broads ignorant and will provide for you. Applebee’s isn’t going to get you very far yo.

Can I have a #6 please?

Since I’ve been out of commission in the land of dating and I’m all “wifed up", I have nothing new to blog about, so I’ve decided that I’d bust out an oldie, but goodie.

It never fails that when I go out, it is a necessity for me to visit the Taco Bell drive thru on my way home, be it by cab or car, I better get my Taco Bell or someone is going to get hurt. Yeah, I'm a fat ass. I legitimately think that there is nothing better to eat when you’re drunk than a cheesy gordita crunch.

When visiting the drive thru, I usually come across my “boyfriend”. He is some young kid that I choose to sexually harass in my drunkness every time I visit. I think if he saw me sober he would be in shock. The poor kid is scared of me, I am not sure why. Most 19 year olds would love if a hot girl told him she wanted to marry him and have his babies, right?

Yeah, probably not.

This poem is in my blog posting of poems, but since we’re on the subject of my Taco Bell drive thru boyfriend, I thought I’d share…

  

My favorite part of the evening

Is on my way home

When through the Taco Bell drive thru

In my car I shall roam

Professing my undying love

To my future husband, so sweet

Ready and willing

To molest his man meat

Anyhow, back to my story... 

I was out with a few friends and a coworker, when Jerome, my best friend rescued me and my drunkness. I am pretty sure he had to carry me due to my being a dumb ass and wearing heels.  Being the amazing friend that he is, and the understanding of my love for Taco Bell, we picked some up on the way to my apartment, where he intended on dropping me off. 

This is the only picture I could find from that night, I had to cut Stacy out because she would MURDER me. She looked like a hot mess. 

Jerome helped my prized Taco Bell and me into my apartment building. Once we were in the hallway, I realized… Ummm… I don’t have my key. I let Lauren drive my car to wherever she ventured off to and my house key is on my car keys, duh. Dumb ass of the year award goes to me! Marnizzle aka Narnia aka Saggy Drunk wasn’t home… she was off prosistuting it up with some dude.

 Now, at this time, I had just gotten one of my adorable kittens. Yes, there is a reason I am bringing up my kitten.

At some point in my drunken stupor, I decided that someone was home. I heard moving around inside. Totally forgetting that I have an effing kitten making noise. 

After deciding someone was there, I told Jerome that my coworker Stacey had moved in with us. That I KNEW she was there. That someone was in my apartment and we had to get in.

I have no clue what I was thinking. I was probably distracted by the fact I had to pee like a mother-fucker. Here I am locked out of my apartment, at least 20 minutes away from Jerome’s apartment. I have no keys to my door, no windows are unlocked. I'm piss out of luck. (Like that word play?) Drunk me made the amazing decision to pull my pants down and piss in the hallway of my building.

At least it wasn’t my bed this time.

So, after releasing some urine from my urethra, I plop my ass down on the stairs and eat some of my food. Apparently, I also cried at some point and beat Jerome with my Taco Bell bag because it was definitely HIS fault that I didn’t have MY key and that no one was at my hizzy, other than the kitten. Fucking pussy. 

This is Jerome and me, just to get a picture… I love him. (We made "grillz" out of our Chipotle burrito foil) 

Eventually we gave up and left to go to Jerome’s hizzy. I later learned that Lauren was on her way to drop off the key to me. When I woke up the next morning in his bed, I was in a puddle of urine. Apparently, I hadn’t released all of my urine from my urethra in the hallway. FAIL. Luckily, Jerome hearts my face and is totally okay with my pissing problems. That is a true friend, fo' sho. 

I got lucky in that the hallway didn't smell like urine and no one saw me. I'm sure my neighbors would have loved that vision of beauty. Who doesn't love a golden shower every once in a while? 

It was a pretty funny night out. Any night that ends with Taco Bell and pissing is one for the books. 

I believe that the moral of the story is… I am lacking some morals. I am totally okay with this though. It keeps my life interesting. 

I want to piss on you..

There have been a few occasions when I’ve been known to spring a leak while catching some Zzzz's in the middle of the night after consuming too much alcohol. They say liquor before beer and you’re in the clear, however that is not the case with me. I’d say it is more like, liquor plus beer and the piss is near.

I’ve been pissed on before by my spawn, but never by a guy. I now know how the few boys that have been so lucky as to receive my golden showers feel… WET.

Luckily for this fellow, I thought it was hilarious. It was karma’s way of paying me back ten fold. Now, I say ten fold only because my fucking mattress was SOAKED! Fo’ real. He really knew how to mark his territory. 

So this is how I received my first Golden Shower:

The roomie and I were out with some friends for karaoke. (As you well know, I fucking love drunk karaoke.) This guy had been trying to hang out with me for monthsssss. I always blew him off. Yeah, I’m a bitch. However, this evening, I decided to be nice and when he texted to see what I was up to, I invited him out to karaoke.

So, here I am meeting this guy for the first time. He’s cute, kind of quiet but nice. He sits down and joins in on our drinking adventure. At this point, I am HIGHLY intoxicated, as per the usual at this point in my life.  He has MAYBE 2-3 beers tops. I’m thinking he isn’t much of a drinker and is completely sober, which is cool with me. We all can't be Frank the tank. 

Now me, being highly intoxicated, decided that my V wanted the P, so I invited Mr. Piss Pants home with me. SLUT. Unfortunately, little did I know, he was drunk. He was drunk as a mother-fucking skunk. (That’s the Alabama in me, haha)

So we get in bed, the V meets the P and it was fun. Woo party in my pants!

Upon waking up the next morning and become aware of the fact that I am in a puddle. Of course, being the one who NORMALLY pisses the bed, my first thought is FUCK! Here we go again. So, I reach down and touch the crotch area of my underoos only to realize my undies are dry. Upon this realization, I’m thinking, Yes!! I didn’t do it, but ewwww he did. Hahahaha, Sucks for him.

He woke up and was completely embarrassed. I would’ve been too. At least when I piss the bed there is a very large amount of alcohol consumed for me to blame it on. This fucker only had 2-3 beers. Let's just say he will not be attending the Beer Olympics anytime soon. I thought it was quite strange that such little alcohol had this effect on Mr. Piss Pants. 

A few months down the line, I learned why he couldn’t handle his alcohol. You see, this guy was my Facebook friend, and a few months after this incident, I noticed a few, "Happy 21st Birthday" posts on his wall. WHAT?!?!  Now, not only did I get my first golden shower, I also am a cougar. Well, maybe not a cougar, perhaps a cheetah? Haha.

So this is how I graduated to a golden shower-receiving cheetah! Sounds pretty legit, right?

It’s not a party until someone gets pissed on. J

I always feel like someone is watching me...

So sometime in the past month or so, I’ve attained a stalker. I gave dude the benefit of the doubt for a while and assumed that he was just being nice. However, at some point this weekend, he decided that he was turning up the crazy level. His mission was accomplished.  

I haven’t been as active on Facebook lately as I usually am. I’ve been distracted, in a good way. So, when I get messages, sometimes I’m too busy to respond. Helloooo... I’m a single mom, dating, taking care of a kid. I’m not THAT accessible.

So, while hanging out on Friday, I get this first message, which I was polite enough to respond to. In return I got another message… and another message… and another message… and they KEPT coming.

I wasn’t replying to this craziness, I was trying to have fun with my bottom bitch yo. GAHH!!

Anyhow, the rest of the messages went like this...

I didn’t really read them after the first few and didn’t get the grasp of the craziness in its entirety! However, after I did take the time, I was more than a little put off. I mean, I deal with crazies on the regular. However, to get messages like this from some dude who knows me via Facebook ONLY, is slightly creepy. Well, more than slightly creepy. It’s super creepy.

Yet again, when he messaged me a few days letter, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as a final act of kindness. I responded to his messages when I could, but yet again, busy lady. It was okay, until last night. I get a text from my future husband stating that my creepy stalker is liking the pictures he posted on my Facebook page.

So, I pull out my handy-dandy phone and am shocked when I have 62 fucking notifications!!

Really??!??

Granted not all of them were from him, however most of them were… this is what I saw when I opened my phone…

Shortly thereafter Creepy McCreeperson posted a status about purposely liking everything on someone’s page.

Hmmmm…. Wonder who could that have been?

Someone has been watching a little too much fear lately!

I mean, I’m a girl, I like attention from guys. However, that’s a whole different ball game bro. That’s creeper status fo’ sho’.

At least Mr. Creepster wasn’t THAT creepy. This fucker brought it to a different level. I’m contemplating if I should check my fucking brake lines before I drive off. He did say he worked on cars, and made jewelry.

I legitimately think that I deserve some flowers after this ordeal.

So, if you’re out there reading this Creepy McCreeperson, I like Star Gazer Lillies and no, I don’t want some jewelry. I’m not a big jewelry girl, unless, it is my Susan Gangsta Komen bracelet. That shit’s legit.

I guess on the bright side of things, at least I’ll never be alone.

Shout out to Amy for this e-card creation... You’re awesome!

Blue Mountain State

I'm drinking a beer and the mountains are blue

It is quite delicious, much unlike you

I only do this just because it gets to you so

your poems sound like blah fat blah blah ho

Be more original because you so far you fail

Oh no, are you going to call me a whale?

Much unlike you my confidence is fine

Which is why when you're mean you won't hear me whine

Instead I will laugh at your immaturity

I'm sure your "fans" surely will see

You're fucking 31 with a page about being a mom

However, so far I'm the star, the queen of your prom

H2-Ho

This water is cold and wet

It helps keep me hydrated when I sweat

It is better than tap and that is for sure

Because it comes from some springs and it is pure

The best start of waking up, is Folgers in your cup!

This cup of coffee, is delightful to me.

It is warm and creamy as you can see. 

I shared a moment with this coffee and my cat, Chuck

And then I realized I was blogging about coffee, what the fuck?

Creepy McCreeperson strikes again!

Ohhhh Mr. Creeper. We meet again… or we’ve really “met” a few times, however today I was feeling awfully persnickety and had the random urge to reply. This is a follow up to this posting.

Honestly, I wouldn’t message someone who hadn’t messaged me back the FIRST time, however we all can’t be as amazing or rawrazing as myself.

  

I was thoroughly amused he mentioned, “stalker status”…. bahahahahaha. If he only knew there was a blog posting entirely devoted to him called Creeper Status. Which would be why I had to respond with “Creeper Status” just to amuse my own sick and twisted mind.

Dude is mad illiterate. (Says the girl who just wrote, “mad illiterate”, at least I spelled it right)

I felt kind of bad telling him his eyes weren’t very appealing, but they just aren’t. He looks like a mouse. I’m not into mice. I might be a pussy, or have one, but this cat is mice free. Mice free is the way to be! I’m not saying that I am all that AMAZINGGG, but I’d do me. I’d do me and come back for seconds, possibly thirds if my oral skills were on point. He was correct in saying my eyes are amazing. I’m rather fond of them, at least something makes up for my rather large ass.

In ending this conversation, I felt that I should inspire him to try something new. So I brought up my google browser and found a quote for him.

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”

In other words, don’t fucking send the same message to every fucking girl you message. Dumb ass.

Be spontaneous. Say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Today, I sent out unique messages to very handsome gentlemen, such as:

“Your face, I like that shit.”

And

“Dude, you have a nice beard.”

We all know that I’m a sucker for facial hair. Be it beard rides or mustache rides. At this point, I ‘d take a nose hair ride, booger included.

To conclude this preposterous blog posting, I’m going to end it with a quote from a man I respect. I find this quote highly amusing considering that it is completely hypocritical of my entire blog. Reminds me of church… hmmm… and people LOVE church.

“Being a bully on the internet is a sign of insecurity & weakness”

-Rev Run