I want to piss on you..

There have been a few occasions when I’ve been known to spring a leak while catching some Zzzz's in the middle of the night after consuming too much alcohol. They say liquor before beer and you’re in the clear, however that is not the case with me. I’d say it is more like, liquor plus beer and the piss is near.

I’ve been pissed on before by my spawn, but never by a guy. I now know how the few boys that have been so lucky as to receive my golden showers feel… WET.

Luckily for this fellow, I thought it was hilarious. It was karma’s way of paying me back ten fold. Now, I say ten fold only because my fucking mattress was SOAKED! Fo’ real. He really knew how to mark his territory. 

So this is how I received my first Golden Shower:

The roomie and I were out with some friends for karaoke. (As you well know, I fucking love drunk karaoke.) This guy had been trying to hang out with me for monthsssss. I always blew him off. Yeah, I’m a bitch. However, this evening, I decided to be nice and when he texted to see what I was up to, I invited him out to karaoke.

So, here I am meeting this guy for the first time. He’s cute, kind of quiet but nice. He sits down and joins in on our drinking adventure. At this point, I am HIGHLY intoxicated, as per the usual at this point in my life.  He has MAYBE 2-3 beers tops. I’m thinking he isn’t much of a drinker and is completely sober, which is cool with me. We all can't be Frank the tank. 

Now me, being highly intoxicated, decided that my V wanted the P, so I invited Mr. Piss Pants home with me. SLUT. Unfortunately, little did I know, he was drunk. He was drunk as a mother-fucking skunk. (That’s the Alabama in me, haha)

So we get in bed, the V meets the P and it was fun. Woo party in my pants!

Upon waking up the next morning and become aware of the fact that I am in a puddle. Of course, being the one who NORMALLY pisses the bed, my first thought is FUCK! Here we go again. So, I reach down and touch the crotch area of my underoos only to realize my undies are dry. Upon this realization, I’m thinking, Yes!! I didn’t do it, but ewwww he did. Hahahaha, Sucks for him.

He woke up and was completely embarrassed. I would’ve been too. At least when I piss the bed there is a very large amount of alcohol consumed for me to blame it on. This fucker only had 2-3 beers. Let's just say he will not be attending the Beer Olympics anytime soon. I thought it was quite strange that such little alcohol had this effect on Mr. Piss Pants. 

A few months down the line, I learned why he couldn’t handle his alcohol. You see, this guy was my Facebook friend, and a few months after this incident, I noticed a few, "Happy 21st Birthday" posts on his wall. WHAT?!?!  Now, not only did I get my first golden shower, I also am a cougar. Well, maybe not a cougar, perhaps a cheetah? Haha.

So this is how I graduated to a golden shower-receiving cheetah! Sounds pretty legit, right?

It’s not a party until someone gets pissed on. J

I always feel like someone is watching me...

So sometime in the past month or so, I’ve attained a stalker. I gave dude the benefit of the doubt for a while and assumed that he was just being nice. However, at some point this weekend, he decided that he was turning up the crazy level. His mission was accomplished.  

I haven’t been as active on Facebook lately as I usually am. I’ve been distracted, in a good way. So, when I get messages, sometimes I’m too busy to respond. Helloooo... I’m a single mom, dating, taking care of a kid. I’m not THAT accessible.

So, while hanging out on Friday, I get this first message, which I was polite enough to respond to. In return I got another message… and another message… and another message… and they KEPT coming.

I wasn’t replying to this craziness, I was trying to have fun with my bottom bitch yo. GAHH!!

Anyhow, the rest of the messages went like this...

I didn’t really read them after the first few and didn’t get the grasp of the craziness in its entirety! However, after I did take the time, I was more than a little put off. I mean, I deal with crazies on the regular. However, to get messages like this from some dude who knows me via Facebook ONLY, is slightly creepy. Well, more than slightly creepy. It’s super creepy.

Yet again, when he messaged me a few days letter, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as a final act of kindness. I responded to his messages when I could, but yet again, busy lady. It was okay, until last night. I get a text from my future husband stating that my creepy stalker is liking the pictures he posted on my Facebook page.

So, I pull out my handy-dandy phone and am shocked when I have 62 fucking notifications!!

Really??!??

Granted not all of them were from him, however most of them were… this is what I saw when I opened my phone…

Shortly thereafter Creepy McCreeperson posted a status about purposely liking everything on someone’s page.

Hmmmm…. Wonder who could that have been?

Someone has been watching a little too much fear lately!

I mean, I’m a girl, I like attention from guys. However, that’s a whole different ball game bro. That’s creeper status fo’ sho’.

At least Mr. Creepster wasn’t THAT creepy. This fucker brought it to a different level. I’m contemplating if I should check my fucking brake lines before I drive off. He did say he worked on cars, and made jewelry.

I legitimately think that I deserve some flowers after this ordeal.

So, if you’re out there reading this Creepy McCreeperson, I like Star Gazer Lillies and no, I don’t want some jewelry. I’m not a big jewelry girl, unless, it is my Susan Gangsta Komen bracelet. That shit’s legit.

I guess on the bright side of things, at least I’ll never be alone.

Shout out to Amy for this e-card creation... You’re awesome!

Blue Mountain State

I'm drinking a beer and the mountains are blue

It is quite delicious, much unlike you

I only do this just because it gets to you so

your poems sound like blah fat blah blah ho

Be more original because you so far you fail

Oh no, are you going to call me a whale?

Much unlike you my confidence is fine

Which is why when you're mean you won't hear me whine

Instead I will laugh at your immaturity

I'm sure your "fans" surely will see

You're fucking 31 with a page about being a mom

However, so far I'm the star, the queen of your prom

H2-Ho

This water is cold and wet

It helps keep me hydrated when I sweat

It is better than tap and that is for sure

Because it comes from some springs and it is pure

The best start of waking up, is Folgers in your cup!

This cup of coffee, is delightful to me.

It is warm and creamy as you can see. 

I shared a moment with this coffee and my cat, Chuck

And then I realized I was blogging about coffee, what the fuck?

Creepy McCreeperson strikes again!

Ohhhh Mr. Creeper. We meet again… or we’ve really “met” a few times, however today I was feeling awfully persnickety and had the random urge to reply. This is a follow up to this posting.

Honestly, I wouldn’t message someone who hadn’t messaged me back the FIRST time, however we all can’t be as amazing or rawrazing as myself.

  

I was thoroughly amused he mentioned, “stalker status”…. bahahahahaha. If he only knew there was a blog posting entirely devoted to him called Creeper Status. Which would be why I had to respond with “Creeper Status” just to amuse my own sick and twisted mind.

Dude is mad illiterate. (Says the girl who just wrote, “mad illiterate”, at least I spelled it right)

I felt kind of bad telling him his eyes weren’t very appealing, but they just aren’t. He looks like a mouse. I’m not into mice. I might be a pussy, or have one, but this cat is mice free. Mice free is the way to be! I’m not saying that I am all that AMAZINGGG, but I’d do me. I’d do me and come back for seconds, possibly thirds if my oral skills were on point. He was correct in saying my eyes are amazing. I’m rather fond of them, at least something makes up for my rather large ass.

In ending this conversation, I felt that I should inspire him to try something new. So I brought up my google browser and found a quote for him.

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”

In other words, don’t fucking send the same message to every fucking girl you message. Dumb ass.

Be spontaneous. Say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Today, I sent out unique messages to very handsome gentlemen, such as:

“Your face, I like that shit.”

And

“Dude, you have a nice beard.”

We all know that I’m a sucker for facial hair. Be it beard rides or mustache rides. At this point, I ‘d take a nose hair ride, booger included.

To conclude this preposterous blog posting, I’m going to end it with a quote from a man I respect. I find this quote highly amusing considering that it is completely hypocritical of my entire blog. Reminds me of church… hmmm… and people LOVE church.

“Being a bully on the internet is a sign of insecurity & weakness”

-Rev Run