Check it out

Check out my Facebook page to learn how to force me into going a date with Mr. Creepster from previous post!

http://www.facebook.com/freemustacheridesheaven?ref=hl

<3

Creeper Status!

I was going to post today about “Office Politics”. Then I logged into the dreaded POB and got a message that inspired me, so we will save my office drama for another day.

In the technologically dependent world that we live in today, (which I LOVE) what better way to meet people than the internet. It isn’t always easy in this day and age to go out and meet someone. Unless you go to a bar and let’s be honest, you’re only going to meet someone to fill your lonely void for that evening.

There are various ways to meet someone on the internet… dating websites, social networking sites and my very favorite Craigslist.

I have had numerous run-ins with one specific guy.  We will call him Mr. Creepster. He is relentless in his efforts to get my attention. Obviously, I am not interested. Sorry kid. If I had been interested, I might have replied.

EXHIBIT 1: His message to me on POB:

I have been on and off of POB for a little over a year. In that time, I have received numerous messages from him. I wish that I would’ve saved them. If I had known that he would be so significant to my blog, I would have. Mr. Creepster, whose real name I won’t release out of the tiny bit of respect that I have, you’re welcome dude!

EXHIBIT 2: Not only has he hit me up on POB, he has also hit me up on another dating website. I feel kind of bad no one has contacted him this week. I did not save his messages, however the following is his profile:

EXHIBIT 3: This picture from his profile, which was far too amusing and dorky/douchey all at the same time for me NOT to post on here:

My coworker was recently looking for a roommate. She posted an ad on, are you ready?? CRAIGSLIST! <3 haha. While weeding through her responses she comes across none other than… can you guess? Mr. Creepster. I just about fell out on the floor, when I recognized a picture that he attached to his fucking response to her ad. Who sends pictures in A FIRST response to an ad for a roommate? His response pretty much said the exact same things he says on his profile. I tried to get to dig up the emails, no such luck!

This whole Craigslist occurrence gave me a bright idea! I was almost positive that if I posted on Craiglist as a woman looking for a man that he would reply. Which brings me to…

EXHIBIT 4: This is the posting that I put up on Craigslist:

Sounded perfect right?? He would definitely respond because he has never been married and has a car and a stable job.

EXHIBIT 5: This is the response that I received 57 minutes after my post went up:

How fucking genius am I?

What makes us put ourselves out there like this?

Do I feel bad for making fun of this poor, lonely guy? Ehh.. a little. However, you put yourself out there, post your PHONE NUMBER in a public profile on a dating website with ridiculous pictures of yourself, respond to every fucking ad on Craigslist,  and message the same girl REPEATEDLY that NEVER responds…you are setting yourself up for this shit.

Part of me thinks that maybe I should give him a pity date and get some free food/drinks. Yes, I am a fat ass. But part of me wonders if perhaps he is the next Craigslist killer or some kind of sociopath!

Ways to not pick up bitches...

A BIGGGG thanks to http://www.facebook.com/MICIADW and http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Douche-Bag-Page/314392548598000 for pimping out my facebook page today!! Mucho appreciated! If you haven't found it yet.. the link is...

http://www.facebook.com/freemustacheridesheaven

Anyhow... I should have named this blog "Adventures in online dating". However, my real name is much more fun!! haha. I get some effed up messages on POB, (Plenty of Booty) and I have a sarcastic sense of humor, so my replies might not always be polite or proper. If you don't get my sense of humor, you don't get me. I had this conversation recently with a guy on POB. I thought it was humorous, him, not so much. 

Now I get messages likes this ALL of the time, which brings me to my next subject... Ebonics. I don't care what race, size, age.. ect you are. I am attracted to what I am attracted to, however I do not speak to anyone who cannot speak proper fucking English. Do not ever text me saying anything such as the following... because you look dumb. End of story!!

Plenty of Booty!

On another internet dating rant, I have attached screenshots of a conversation I had with a guy on “Plenty of Booty”. This said guy slept with one of my very good friends.

As a profile option on this dating website, you can put that people who are looking for “Intimate Encounters” should not contact you. Which I did… Not looking for penis only people. I actually like when penises are attached to a body, with a brain that is capable of adult emotions. I have a vibrator. If I just want a hard dick, it is always there for me and it is amazing. His name is Bob. Best $90 I have ever spent.

Apparently my attempt at keeping away creepy perverted douche fucks failed miserably!  

Poem time biotches

In light of my lack of inspiration for hilariousness.. I decided to share some of my hilarious poems about retarded shit that has happened! haha

Enjoy

Boytown

They say I’m the mayor

The mayor of boy town

I don’t like to share penis

And I’ve been around

My friend’s should say no

To any penis that I’ve had

If you don’t you’re a ho

And I will make your life sad

Devil Vagina Magic

It’s that devil vagina magic

That lures the boys in

The ending could be tragic

Once you get it in

Make sure that it’s wrapped

And her vagina is clean

She might like getting slapped

Some like it mean

If it smells funny

You might want to get tested

If your penis tip is runny

Question with who you have vested

Good luck with your test

If the outcome is bad

Devil vagina magic isn’t best

It often ends sad

Divorce Party

Congrats on being single

You're now free to mingle

Forget the significant other

And for one night you're a mother

Go out and have fun

And drink a ton

Spread the legs wild and free

And be a slut just like me ♥

Swamp Vag

There’s a rumor I heard

Your vagina is a swamp

You get really wet

When you want to romp

Patron is Evil

Say no to patron

Things can only go wrong

In my fridge you will pee

So super stoked it’s not me

The Marnisaurus

When you get drunk

The dinosaur walk you shall do

Steel Reserve is not good

For anyone, especially you

You fall on the curb

And claim you’re not drunk

You just lost your lighter

And the ground must have sunk

Huge Dick

Fucktard your penis is awfully big

Into the sides of my vagina

That penis did dig

It stretched and it pushed

Through the tiny, dark cave

And when it was finally in

I decided you were my fave

You’re Gay

Preston I frequently thought you were gay

Due to things that you liked

Such as butt play

At least I know

The fault wasn’t in me

You were just upset

That I am not a he

Pissy Bitch

When I get drunk

I like to pee

Sometimes on boys

And sometimes on me

Tequila can cause it

Really any alcohol can

My first thought is SHIT

When I pee on a man

Payback

It was destined to happen eventually

That someone would pay me back

By pissing on me

After drunk karaoke

And lots of drunken sex

I woke up to a puddle

By my stuffed T-Rex

The poor guy was ashamed

At the deed he hath done

I was just happy

That it wasn’t me, son

Lost Pants

I remember the time I woke up

With no pants to be found

Passed out at a beach side hotel

My pants on the ground

In a puddle of some liquid

That was unknown to me

No recollection of coming

To the hotel by the sea

Peeing in Hallways

Upon my return home

After a long night out

Unable to get in

No key to be found

My bladder was no bueno

Not agreeing with me

So right in the hallway

Did I squat down and pee

Face Raping

I like to rape faces

Of any size or shape

If they were willing

I couldn’t call it rape

If you resist

I will rufie you for sure

My pants will come down

And in I will lure 

Taco Bell

My favorite part of the evening

Is on my way home

When through the Taco Bell drive thru

In my car I shall roam

Professing my undying love

To my future husband, so sweet

Ready and willing

To molest his man meat

Sara

On sofas colored white

Without underwear she sat

Ranting and raving

About the tampon in her cat

She wasn’t bleeding

She put the plug in

She said she needed penis

Which in the bible is a sin

On the pole she danced

Like a hooker on crack

This bitch was drunk

And it was pretty whack

Kenya

Dancing all night

With lights all around

In all of a minute

Nowhere to be found

Outside a club

Up against a wall

With a tall dark guy from Kenya

On her lips did his fall

Hurricane

On a dark stormy night

Where alcohol flowed free

Did a group of crazy people

Witness a storm from the sea

Adderall were snorted

And marijuana was smoked

This was a hurricane party

And these people were stoked

Birthday Woes

On the night of his birthday

She invited him out

They were going to get shitty

There was no doubt

Upon his arrival

A stranger caught her eye

She "went to the bathroom"

This was a lie

By advice of her peers

And the tingle of her cunt

She had too many beers

This man she was to hunt

Home did they go

To freak in the bed

She didn’t know his name

Though she was sure it was said

Greenies

By the luck of Irish

By the luck of green beer

She found a guy

Whose stick she could steer

Little did she know

An accident would occur

She pissed in the bed

All over this sir

Did they have relations

No one would know

she didn’t get his number

Before away he did go

Drunk messaging

This is the extent of my blog posting:

Fuck drunk messaging and fuck boys. 

The correct way to have casual sex

As a reminder for dumb ass guys who don't know how to be a fuck buddy, these are the rules: 

Rule #1-You don't sleep over. 
Rule #2-You actually have sex. 
Rule #3-You don't text them unless you want sex. 
Rule #4-You don't tell them you have feelings for them.
Rule #5-If the other party admits to having feelings and you don't, you run like fucking hell. 
Rule #6- You don't cuddle them or kiss them or hold their hands or show affection of any kind, you FUCK THEM. 

That gentleman is how you should act in a casual sexship. 

On a side note..

If you like my blog, like my Facebook page!

Thanks bitches!

http://www.facebook.com/freemustacheridesheaven

Pissy nights

After a conversation with my favorite blogger, I dedicate this posting to pissing.
http://shityourmothernevertoldyou.blogspot.com/            <favorite bitch EVER!

Sometime in the past year, I have developed a pissing habit. FAIL!

My first pissing experience would come after a meeting of a guy from my whole "internet datingness"

My beloved roomie and I decided to venture to our favorite irish pub after work for happy hour. Can you really beat $.99 beers? I think not. So we go, have apparently FAR TOO MANY and I decide to invite my new internet interest of the week. We shall call him Jeremy, which yes, is his real name. He comes.. he is cute, short, but reminds me of the ex hubs, in a less innocent and less boring kind of way. We hit it off.. and all seems well. Anywhoooo.. The roomie decides to take my car to go get laid and left me in the care of Jeremy. hahahaha. Poor guy.

We go back to his house... and yeah, that's all I remember. legit.

All I know is I wake up in a wet ass bed. Fo' real?!?! At first, I thought maybe I spilled something.. yeah, the only thing that was spilling was the urine from my urethra. FML. So after laying in said piss for an hour or so, I have debated many options, including sneaking out of bed and calling a cab home.. eeek. Yeah, no such luck. Mr. Jeremy decides to awake and proclaim that I had peed in his bed. Ooooppss. My bad dude.

Do I always have to have such shenanigans on work nights?

We take the sheets off and throw some towels down and back to sleepy land we go. I was nice enough to repay the whole pissy beds with some epicness that we shall not speak of.. no, there was no sex, yet. hahaha.

So we get up and he awkwardly drives me to my hizzy in a timely manner. Some bitches have work to attend. Had a nice awkward run in with his female roommate, which I am sure he had to explain the flooding in his bed to. eek. Sorry kid.

Now most guys would never talk to a girl who pissed in their bed. Apparently my gift giving was very well received. We had a lunch date the next day. I was surprised when someone brought me the most amazing and appropriate gift everrrr.. a bag of plastic dinosaurs. For those that don't know me, I HEART dinosaurs.. hence the whole Land Before Time half sleeve.. and the dino behind each ear. So.. as thoughtful as it was.. my sexship with Jeremy aka bed pissing buddy only lasted a month or so.. I never did pee in his bed again... perhaps I should have to make it last a little longer... but in the words of my wise ass self.. out with the old and in with the new.. aka NEXT!!