This says it all..

Pineapple

http://youtu.be/LH5ay10RTGY

Do you prefer regular, super or super plus?

Amen.

Am I really supposed to be attracted to someone who constantly degrades women? Someone who generalized that we are all "horrible, horrible creatures"?

I think not.

Let's get real, if I judged every guy based on every douche bag I've dated in the past, I would be a full blown lesbian. However, if I believed everything this fucktard said about women, I would just give up on ever having sex or a relationship with anyone other than myself. Thank God for Bob. (Battery operated boyfriend).

Part of life is having good times and bad times. Don't dwell on the bad things, they have to happen in order for you to know when the good things come along. Seriously.

So this guy, who I thought was pretty fucking cool, that I've hung out with for a few times apparently is having his "man period".

Every other post, ESPECIALLY when he's drunk is about how girls suck. Well guess what, YOU THINKING GIRLS SUCK, sucks. It is annoying. No one wants to be with Negative Nancy. Put a mother fucking tampon in it and deal. At this point, I'd opt for super plus, the whiney vaginaness is POURING out. No one likes a bloody mess.

This would be a *prime* example of why I got turned off:

I dealt with the stupid, ignorant posts for so long. However, at some point, my vagina just sewed itself up and was like, this dude has his own vagina and not tits, so there is nothing to be attracted to. Vaginas aren't very attractive.. I could only lesbian it up if he had some nice tits to make up for the puss he grew.  Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

So today, he messages me and this is how that convo went:

Apparently I made him angry, oops. He deleted me. Oh well.

 In my famous words, "Next."

Anyhow... for future references people out there, we all suck. We suck no matter our race, gender, sexual preference.. there are sucky fucktards EVERYWHERE. Your past is your past. Don't go into something new expecting a failure. It won't work. Grow some mother fucking balls, drink a tall glass of fucking optimism, put your tampon in and just do the damn thing and stop bitching about it. You're either going to end up alone or with another fucking dumb ass cunt.

End of story! </3

You want to put your babies in my uterus?

Oh, POB, you never fail me. However, you have left quite a few of my friends speechless today.

Talking to this guy. He is super hot, as you can see below!

So I give him my number and he starts texting me. He immediately starts out with this:

WTF??? 

Like really? How could someone that fucking hot, be so fucking weird? I mean, with those arms, I MIGHTTTT let him attempt to impregnate me? And talking about me being full of milk, what? 

Really?? 

Let's just show you people exactly how sexy me pregnant with twins was? It wasn't a pretty sight. It was down right scary. 

30 weeks pregnant with twins! 

I am legitimately at a loss for words. I really have nothing further to say on the subject.

Really?

Just really?

You want to get me pregnant? 

The Big 2-6

My birthday weekend had to be one of the most fun and most fucked up weekends in my life. This is how that went down:

  

Night Numero Uno:

Friday night was Karaoke night, at least in the beginning it was. It unbelievable was the more calm of both nights. I got super dressed up, had some banging boobs, as seen below…

Marni, my favorite roommate ever and I go out, the beer starts flowing, I do a birthday cake shots. Some guest appearances were made. Things were off to a great start. I sign up to sing some songs… and this is how that went:

http://youtu.be/KXYUZ8qOFII

This is how Marni’s song went: bahahaha. (payback for my later posted video of my stripping attempts)

http://youtu.be/bYFEWqgVP6g

My best friend from back in Alabama had some friends that were in town, so they made a guest appearance as well, they were awesome, this is them:

So after I sang a few songs and had FARRRR too much to drink, I decided I want to go dance. We load up into the car with the friends from home, the roomie and myself and head down to the beach. At this point, I am a HOT MESS! I don’t know how I managed to walk up stairs. We go to this club, that everyone says they hate, but they really go to. It is full of young, hot military boys. Which happens to be my expertise. However on this night, it was Marni’s expertise, she got the birthday sex for me, cougared it up with a 25 year old. Bitch is a beast, she has some mad cougar skills. I aspire to be like her at that age.

This is Marni and myself, before I was a hot mess:

So we go to this club, Marni disappears. I invite my friend out to come rescue me in my drunkness, which is my usual line when I am ready to leave. I have no clue where Marni is, I want to find a cab and go home. So I find a cab, loveeddd my cab driver. Her name was Angelica. She was cute and young.. and brought me to Taco Bell, I love my drunk taco bell eating. I don’t remember much after getting home. Which was apparently a good thing. I woke up the next morning in a pissy bed. I didn’t remember shit. I vaguely remembered going to the club and vaguely remembered my friend meeting me out. Marni later filled me in on exactly what happened. I awoke changed my pissy sheets and went right back to bed. When I woke up… I looked like this:

Fail.

I decided that I had to invest in some depends if I was going to survive this birthday weekend. My bed can only take so much pissing. So I bought these bad boys:

Remainder of my night numero uno pics:

And now we move on…

Night Numero Dos:

After sleeping alllll day long, I finally get my lazy ass out of bed and get prettied up for the night. I like to think I looked pretty flipping hot.  See below to agree: haha

 .

So the roomie, our neighbor and myself go out to the club that everyone hates, but goes to, again. $1.50 happy hour is the shiznit. So I am double fisting drinks.. when I check my phone and get this creepy message from Plenty of Booty:

Really?? Talk about awkward. Dude did buy me a beer from across the bar and never said a word to me in person. We apparently only speak via POB.

So after happy hour is over, we head to The Boxx, which I am sure you’ve heard me mention in my first blog posting. Love that effing place. $5 pitchers of Natty Light. Don’t judge me, I love my fucking Natty Light. So we start the drinking, my friend, I like to call Idaho, who is from out of town comes out. He is with a bunch of buddies from work. One particular is this Mexican guy and it happens to be his birthday as well. Well what does a Mexican love more than tequila?!?! Exactly, Corona. But seriously, I bought him a shot of tequila for his big day. They leave and are planning to meet us at another club in a bit. We continue the drinking escapades. I take my usual “Boxx bathroom picture”, it is a must:

We head over to Lunasea, which is a pretty flipping awesome place. There are two levels, indoor, outdoor, a club and a deck. It is pretty effing legit. So we go and are having drinks in the club area. We are hanging out by the dance floor when I am approached by some other girls, who said since I was birthday girl, I had to join their friend who was a birthday girl on the pole. I mean I was drunk, but not pole dancing drunk. However, I couldn’t say no. So I join this lady on the pole.. and the roommate video taped the entire thing. FAIL!

 <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/b2OSyX706Gc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

About the time that this video is being made, my friend Idaho and his friends walk in. Really? Can this get much worse? I have made a hot mess of an impression already. I am a fucking winner.

So we are all dancing and talking. I am having fun messing with Idaho’s boss who is an old man with a handle bar mustache. They are keeping us beered up. It was sooo fun.  Mexican birthday guy decides that we need to do birthday shots and drags me to the bar where he buys tequila shots. If you know anything about me?!?! I don’t do tequila, EVER!

So he hands me the shot, I am busy refusing. He takes his and waits on me.. I distract him with a, “Hey, what’s that over there!?!” and while he is turned away, I proceed to pour the shot over my shoulder. I will do ANYTHING I can do avoid tequila. Fuck that shit.

So we are drinking and having fun and apparently there was an emergency and my neighbor had to leave. Strange. So shortly thereafter, I get a panicked call from my babysitter, so I rush down to a cab to head home. Meanwhile the roomie is outside on the phone, I am a hot, drunk, mess yelling at her to get into the cab and she won’t, so I left her.

Get home, things get settled, I put on my depends and slip off into slumber land. Only to awake and realize, those shits leak. So my review of this particular brand of depends is, they suck. Can’t hold my drunk urine. Failures! They should make diapers strictly for drunk adults. Not old people.

So upon waking up, I realize, “Hey, gotta get my car by 11am.” So I text my neighbor and ask her to bring me to get it. She agrees and I wake up Marni to go pick it up. I am farrrr too hungover to stand up. She goes and I get a phone call from her shortly after, my fucking car has been towed!?!? Really?? I’ve only left my car there overnight with the pervy parking lot attendant, who I am pretty sure hugs me just to touch my tits, a millliiioonn times. Freak!

I might have been drunk here! 

Here I was being a responsible bitch for once and the shiznit gets towed?! FAIL! So I have to ask a coworker to bring me to get it…  and I am out $135. I fucking suck. So while this was one of the most fun weekends ever, it also sucked. Here I am stuck being a broke ass bitch now. Here are the remainder of my drunk pics haha: 

That concludes this years birthday escapades. In a way it was far more calm than last year, I guess that’s what happens when you get old. I might need a wheelchair for the big 2-7 next year. 

It's my birthday bitches

So today is the big 2-6. I have had a love/hate relationship with the idea. I feel like it is going to be a huge disappointment., and so far, I am right.

I woke up bright eyed at 5:30 a.m. today, which is strange, normally I am not up until 7. I guess I would rather not waste anytime on National Kaitlyn Day! It was already decided that I had to look beautiful for my birthday. So I decided to shower and get ready for the day.

So while getting ready for work and cruising facebook, I realize my mom had just updated her status to this:

The retard doesn’t remember how old I am? Really?? That is just a greatttt start to the day, your mother not knowing how old you are. Well that’s fine mom, I stopped counting your birthday after 755. You’re almost a dinosaur, which means I will just love you more. Rawr!

So I arrive to work late, thank you traffic. I actually left at a decent time, however fucktarded Virginia drivers opted for not driving properly today so there was mad traffic.

Not even 2 minutes into my workday my boss calls me into his office and yells at me. I only reminded everyone 75 million fucking times that is was my birthday on Monday last week. But God forbid he get his head out of his ass long enough to remember that he might have to not be a douche for 1 day. Perhaps he could have waited until tomorrow but that would have been too harsh on his ego.

For birthdays in our office it is customary for the office to buy us lunch, do a cake and we get a gift. I found it strange my boss’s dad, the office manager, hadn’t questioned what I would want for lunch? So I mentioned it to the AWESOME attorney in the office that I love. Well apparently they weren’t planning on doing that, they were just going to give me a gift and do cake and call it a day, until she reminded them. Umm fuck that. I have worked here for 3 years. The only cunt who has been here longer than me, is by a whopping 2 months. She got all that shiznit.  

What I have to be thankful for on this birthday are my amazing friends that have not forgotten I am a fucking insane bitch about my special day; my neighbor, Aubrey who is going to babysit my daughter so I can enjoy an outing on Saturday night and my daughter who keeps accidently spilling the beans about my birthday surprise when I get home. By the way Marni, we have to wait to do the cake until afftteerrr dinner, she doesn’t want to miss it!

Hopefully after the weekend, I shall have some HILARIOUS stories to post about. I plan on being highly intoxicated most of the weekend. I am investing in some depends fo’shizzle. I will rock the shit out of that sexiness. Plenty of pictures shall be posted, perhaps some links to some YouTube karaoke videos.  I am trying to beat last year’s shenanigans, so the challenge is on.

Here is a birthday picture of my mini-me and myself. She insisted we take one! <3 that kid! 

Amen

If you message me, and can clearly see that obviously based on my internet dating profile, I am not a religious person and you are… you’re dumb.

Ding, Ding, Ding. Pretty sure that if on my dating profile, I left the religious preference part blank, that could be a big indicator that I am not a very religious person. That along with my admissions of randomly screaming profanities, drinking and referencing of crack and prostitutes could be a hugeeee indicator as well.

This is dude’s profile and our conversation:

Now, I am in no way an atheist. However, I don’t do organized religion. I am not into the hypocrisy of it.

If I am upfront about it and stop you before you go too far after seeing your super effing Jesus loving profile, don’t write me back pretty much forcing God down my throat and saying you aren’t doing it.

That is what I don’t get about organized religion. Most will say, “Well I am not going to force it down your throat or preach to you”, but telling me that God loves me and loved me before I was born, blah, blah, blah, blah is pretty much you doing what you said you weren’t. Which is wait, what is that commandment??

“Thou shalt not lie”

Bitch, you just fucking lied. Can you say mother fucking hypocrite?!?!

I don’t go to church. It bores me. Sorry God, but reading the bible and watching people who can’t carry a tune sing hymns are not the most interesting things in the world. I don’t like the overly cheerful people that attend. I am not an overly cheerful person myself and when people are too cheery, I get urges to stab them in their temples and unfortunately there are laws of both the government and the bible saying that is no bueno.

Oh, snap!

In the back of my mind I always picture these perfect church couples going home, entering their “Red Room of Pain” and being straight freaks. Totally jealous of that shiznit.

However, I have been told that masturbation is a sin. Which amuses the hell out of me. (Pun intended) I love my fucking vibrator. That shit is amazing. It vibrates and rotates. What more can a girl as for??

That ends my religious rant of the day. Praise the Lord! I am going home to get drunk and masturbate this very evening, if I am lucky I can engage in some pre-marital sex or adultery, considering my divorce isn’t finalized yet. Partayyy up in hurrr!! Let me know if you would like to accompany on my trip to hell. All I can say is Flaming Doctor Peppers!! 

and again...

POB strikes again...

Seriously, I think Plenty of Booty should use my blog as an example of what NOT to do to attract a decent woman. Today I came across this delightful gentleman. Scratch that, I came across this douchefuck:

Hopefully Mr. Douchefuck gets some game. I am pretty sure asking a girl to come hang out that you have messaged 3 fucking times and before she could even give a straight answer telling her you "think watching how much you could make her cum would be sweet" is not going to attract the right kind of girl. However, you might be lucky enough to CONTRACT an STD!! Winning! (Hope it is a curable one kid) 

And on another note....  just thought you would want an update on my latest message from my bestie, Mr. Creeper (see previous blog posting)... Got this baby yesterday!! Still not replying, due to my lack of likes on my Facebook page, (http://www.facebook.com/freemustacheridesheaven). Failures. 

What's up, Papi?!?!

How do I get a cool i with the dash on top? Fuck.

This blog is a collaboration of myself and my good friend whose name shall not be released, she is paranoid she will get murdered. Vagina.

Anyhow, a word was recently introduced to me by said friend, which I have fallen in love with, Chola:


The Urban Dictionary definition is as follows:


hardcore latina gangbangers. They usually have thin, arched, angry looking tattooed-on or penciled-on eyebrows, brown or dark red lip liner, 'Monroe', eyebrow and nose piercings, tats, Converse or Nikes, flannel shirts, lots of gold jewlrey (with their name and crosses), crunchy gelled or moussed hair either down or gelled in a high perfect ponytail either straight back or gelled in a design, and they go out with cholos. 

A lot of regular mexican or puerto rican girls do the look but aren't cholas. A true chola is down for her barrio and is in a gang, and is as ruthless as a male gangbanger if not more. It is much more common to just look like a chola, and not act like a chola. 

The chola style is common in southern California like east LA, San Diego, OC, and also NYC. In Miami they are called 'chongas'.


The friend whose name shall not be released gave the following advice on how to perfect your Chola-ness:

1) Change your name to Lupe or Maria or Baby Gurl

2) Get a gangster Mexican boyfriend who sports a wife beater and a winter hat.

3) Borrow said boyfriends flannel shirt. The bigger the boyfriend, the better.

4) Buy LOTS of black eyeliner.

5) Shave off eyebrows.

6) Draw insanely high arches over shaven eyebrows.

7) Outline lips with same eyeliner

8) Use lots of blue eye shadow on eyelids going all the way up to drawn on eyebrows.

9) Find the reddest lipstick ever and apply.

10) Get a bandana that matches flannel

11) Put hair up in high ponytail and wear bandana on head

12) Don’t forget to wear 22 inch rims hoop earrings!

13) Baggy pants.


Basically you should look like this (Minus the purple ovals I added to hide her identity, not trying to get murdered by some Chola's Cholo.):