Amen

If you message me, and can clearly see that obviously based on my internet dating profile, I am not a religious person and you are… you’re dumb.

Ding, Ding, Ding. Pretty sure that if on my dating profile, I left the religious preference part blank, that could be a big indicator that I am not a very religious person. That along with my admissions of randomly screaming profanities, drinking and referencing of crack and prostitutes could be a hugeeee indicator as well.

This is dude’s profile and our conversation:

Now, I am in no way an atheist. However, I don’t do organized religion. I am not into the hypocrisy of it.

If I am upfront about it and stop you before you go too far after seeing your super effing Jesus loving profile, don’t write me back pretty much forcing God down my throat and saying you aren’t doing it.

That is what I don’t get about organized religion. Most will say, “Well I am not going to force it down your throat or preach to you”, but telling me that God loves me and loved me before I was born, blah, blah, blah, blah is pretty much you doing what you said you weren’t. Which is wait, what is that commandment??

“Thou shalt not lie”

Bitch, you just fucking lied. Can you say mother fucking hypocrite?!?!

I don’t go to church. It bores me. Sorry God, but reading the bible and watching people who can’t carry a tune sing hymns are not the most interesting things in the world. I don’t like the overly cheerful people that attend. I am not an overly cheerful person myself and when people are too cheery, I get urges to stab them in their temples and unfortunately there are laws of both the government and the bible saying that is no bueno.

Oh, snap!

In the back of my mind I always picture these perfect church couples going home, entering their “Red Room of Pain” and being straight freaks. Totally jealous of that shiznit.

However, I have been told that masturbation is a sin. Which amuses the hell out of me. (Pun intended) I love my fucking vibrator. That shit is amazing. It vibrates and rotates. What more can a girl as for??

That ends my religious rant of the day. Praise the Lord! I am going home to get drunk and masturbate this very evening, if I am lucky I can engage in some pre-marital sex or adultery, considering my divorce isn’t finalized yet. Partayyy up in hurrr!! Let me know if you would like to accompany on my trip to hell. All I can say is Flaming Doctor Peppers!!